GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE DECEMBER 8, 1995

What do you

mean... YOU want to be Mary?!

MEMORIES OF

CHRISTMAS PAST...

Give yourself a Christmas present, at Liberation United Church of Christ.

Enjoy your favorite holiday traditions and establish new ones with friends who share your family values.

This year, and for the Christmases

yet-to-come.

• •

may your Holidays be "Mary" and Gay!

Come home to

Liberation United Church of Christ.

ABOVE THE FRUITED PLAIN

Holiday catalogue of sins number 1995-A

by Aubrey Wertheim

What an unholy horror this season is for catalogues. This week alone:

Historically Correct Reproduced Gargoyles (crouching, spouting, frozen in flight),

■Serious Writers Supply House ($649 for a pen? Why not something really useful like mousse with a built-in muse so you could style your hair and be inspired all in one sweep?)

Pacific Overtures Trading Post (I swear on my Meg Christian Eternal Flame: Wild Borneo Beaded Baby Carriers, full-color Ecstatic Body Posture Workbook and-no home should be without one-Carved-Bone Dragon Blow Gun (with darts).

Where do these people get my name? Where's their credit check quality control? They must know I have zip expendable income. I ain't even gainfully employed. What's the good of all this technocracy if they can't separate the Visa Goldfingers from the Little Gay Match Girls?

And now the community entrepreneurs are piling into my mailbox.

Yesterday's entry: this new L.L. Bean for Queens catalogue. How did they get my name? I swear on my Al Parker Memorial Nutcracker, I only bought one thing from All-American Male. In 1983-one of those meshy muscle surfing shirts-for a lesbian boss o' mine who had to shake down a gaggle of high-end Laguna Beach donors. Not so much as a rice paper thong since.

And here comes this chi-chi, glossy, outdoorsy catalogue:

Bughouse Button front Longjohns (with flap): $89. Recycled Barnwood Picture Frame (authentic termite damage): $39. And ruffrufflife, a handmade hooked rug for the family hound in the shape of a bone: $34.95. Who needs this stuff?

COMMITMENT Vows

I perform ceremonies outside the traditional fold with sincere respect for each couple who love, honor & cherish each other.

Please call Rev. Renee Goodman 216/247-2772

Well, see, they show you. The models come complete with their own little story: droolsome Mick and dreamy Alexis are heading out to "the cabin" with their photogenic Golden, Mr. Slobbers (Ah, these aren't country bumpkins at all—just your standard upscale citisissies out for a little rustic slumming.) They're meeting Mick's sister, Mina, and hunky husband Mr. Slobbers II (The latter in queer T-shirt. Desperate to corner the bisexual market, or what?). They meet up with lesbian chums Rita and Anastasia (Pictured twice in the whole catalogue. Clearly, not a hard sell for the big dyke dollar. Probably wise. 94 percent of the sisters I know dress like this all the time, so they'd hardly toss $78 away on a flannel shirt even with vintage hand-forged rivet buttons.). Now, everybody's settled in, but Mick is having trouble with his novel. (His novel? This queen's supposed to be a writer? Buying hand-carved sassafras porch brooms and designer granola? He's in the wrong catalogue!) Into the trash-Mr. Slobbers and all-and not even recyclable.

Who really buys this stuff?

Actually, I know. I confess. I went with a guppie for five whole months. Nothing to report on the cardiovascular front, but a specialist. No body to speak of, but six figures. Hardly a lipsmacker in the bedroom, but what that man could accomplish in the kitchen with a pine nut was nothing short of ravishing.

His person was outfitted to a fare-theewell. His condo was detailed to the Architectural Digest nth degree. His car was customized to do everything short of keeping the peace in Bosnia.

But you know it had to end. One fateful day, I asked for a contribution to Some Fine Cause I was enthralled with at the moment. He rather starchily declared: he really wasn't very comfortable parting with his money. This, after casually remarking just ten minutes earlier, he had purchased-to the tune of several thousand dollars—a six-ounce cruct of 1879 Rothschild raspberry vinegar!

It was time to take the latest software, the ultimate stereo, the exquisitely hand-laundered and pressed dress shirts, the dimmer switch in the glove compartment and, yes, gasp, even the pine nuts and pitch them into the Cuyahoga. They sank, I must say, in great style.

But enough nostalgia-here's today's mail. Catalogue from the Vatican, catalogue from Fruits of Distinction and--Uh-oh! Real trouble.

The National AIDS Awareness Holiday Accessories Catalog.

To be continued!

Above the Fruited Plain is a regular column by Aubrey Wertheim, of Oberlin.

Worship takes place at 10:30am Sunday mornings at the Hillel Foundation on the campus of Case Western Reserve University December 24 Christmas Eve Service 10:30pm.

Church Of The Covenant

Euclid Ave

Hillel

Ford Dr

Hillel is located at the corner of Euclid Avenue and Ford Drive next to the Church of the Covenant. Free parking next to the

church or in the adjacent parking

Mayfield

garage

Entrance on

Ford Drive.

FOOD

& Dry In

Tremont

Live Jazz on Fridays

& Saturdays

Full Menu, Beer, Wine, Liquors

2207 W. 11th Street

216/621-6166